Depression, Collapsed Star, Human

By the beach, seeing the sun going to the other side of the planet and waking up the dreamers of the dark side of the Earth, I, a 25 year old Human (one quarter of Earth’s century), find myself propelled to question interactions.
The Humans that sleep and travel: travel millions of light years to an unknown planet, travel some or millions of years to the passed or to the future, or simply travel to a simulation, to revive their days and possibly solve their problems. The planet that goes around and around the sun for millions of years, and together with his neighbors performs a millenarian dance without sound, that if it could be possible to see would be one of the most beautiful dances ever seen. For some it’s a dance that expands for other its painting on the sealing of their world. Either way it’s simply the mirror of everything around us: An interaction of bodies, dictated by the laws of physics. Beginning at the smallest particle, passing through the cellules that build your body, and ending at the galaxies that are the cellules of the Universe. It’s an immense amount of interactions impossible to visualize, to me, since my 15 years old when I begun studying philosophy. If we think in a logical sense it’s impossible to visualize myself because (as the paradoxes make us think: I can’t be in two places at once). This is an enormous theme to discuss, and as I think it’s beyond my capability to understand. But continuing…I see the Human interaction: life objectives, economics, family, pleasure, love, hate, the will to freedom and above all: the wish to knowledge and understanding. I don’t understand… I want to understand, but I don’t see the purpose of the links, and most important I don’t see where it leads. To clarify: We are born, we are feed on, we are taught, and it’s said to us to search for a goal, to contribute to society, to raise a family. And even if some of them it’s not given we search, perhaps it’s in your blood. Some work in producing goods to society, others innovating or pursuing better knowledge and other working for the moral of the society. At the end of your lifes, we would have, if lucky, raised a family in a good home, we would have read, listened and seen things that would have made us cry, smile, angry, desperate, furious, revolted, anxious, happy… Those more humanitarian would have helped the needed; those more revolted or dissatisfied would have helped change, for better or for worse. But other would have simply pasted the time as long as they have had breath. Perhaps the answer is to simply try to live life as best as we can. But for me it seems that it’s not enough.
My hunger it’s for making sense of all… Like the unified theory of relativity applied to all things (particles, planets, Humans and Universe)…
This pursuit creates a sensation of smallness in the Universe, a sensation of being alone or not belonging and the will of finding a home to live. I could say that for 10 years or perhaps my all life I have been at standby and searching for the best path to take. That has made me critical, anxious and lost. Lost between the feeling of depression and the feeling of being a black hole, absorbing everything on his way. Perhaps his feeling of lost and this incomprehensible will it’s the think of being Human. But that only leads to another obscure question: what is a Human?
I’m lot bold enough to want his question answered, but other simpler (I think), can they be answered:
- How does a conscience emerge from a program? (beginning of a Human)
- Can all be seen as in a pool table? (answer to iteration, butterfly effect)
This two are, for me, the most pressing questions that I want to see answered. But until then, I will try to blend in, try to see if it’s the others with their simplest life’s, as I think, have the answer. Hoping side by side for some brake troughs in physics and other scientific areas that may allow me to dream and fly far away in the future, But for now dreaming and doing things I love the most it’s all I have left.

Sorry for bad writing...